This Wednesday I’ll start my 34th year as a Skytress. Holy Moly! No one is more astonished about this number than me. Being a Skytress was never,…..ever…on my radar. First of all, I was far from looking like the typical Skytress. Heck. I still am! Secondly, traveling to different places by myself sounded horrible. I was positive I wasn’t brave enough to do this. Worst yet…I had never worked as a waitress on the ground. Heck. I had never made coffee! Even worse, I had no clue how to serve anyone, anything. When our family friend, Mary, suggested I apply to my airline, I did it mainly to bide time from getting a job with my chosen college degree or starting law school. Filling out an application sounded much better than polishing up my resume. Heck. Working out four hours a day to lose the weight to make the weight requirement was more desirable than working on my resume. If I am being honest, I’m starting my 34th year as a Skytress simply because I am still too lazy to work on a resume.

I learned very quickly when I became a Skytress, exceptional coffee making skills weren’t needed. No siree. I just needed the skills to place a coffee pack in the coffee maker and push the button. Heck. I had those exemplary skills in spades. Yessiree. If the coffee is awful, it’s not because of me. I’m just the button pusher! I’ll admit. The required skill set for cooking the in-flight meals is a wee bit more involved. Yep. I have to set the suggested temperature and the cooking time BEFORE I push the button to cook the meals. Of course, throughout my career, there have been many days I taken on the role of a cooking technician. Just like our home ovens, some aircraft ovens can be finicky. Some cook too slow. Some cook too fast. Then there are days the catered meals come off the catering truck more chilled than normal. I remember some bitterly cold winters when the first-class and main-cabin soups were boarded frozen. It didn’t matter what temperature or how long the soups were cooked. No siree. Inevitably, the edge of the soups would get blazing hot, whilst the center of the soups remained frozen. There were many days I apologetically served those soups to the passengers. Fortunately, the passengers understood. Yessiree. People in cold climates definitely comprehend the cause and effect of bitterly cold weather on things. Eventually, a very clever person decided the soups should be boarded in thermoses. Eureka! The thermoses didn’t need to be heated and the soup was the ideal temperature inside. It was the perfect solution. Well, unless you have a temporary case of skyzheimers like I did one day. Unfortunately, I forgot the soups didn’t need to be heated. Yessiree. I turned the oven on with the thermoses inside. Do you know soup explodes out of thermoses when you turn the oven on? Well, I do now. Egads!

Thirty-four years ago, my triceps and biceps would get multiple daily workouts while flying. I’ll admit. I miss my sculpted arms. However, I don’t miss serving the meal trays in the main cabin on domestic flights. It was an aerobic workout every flight carrying two meal trays at a time to every row. Then we would stand holding the trays for an eternity while the passengers decided if they wanted to eat the chicken or steak. The major arm workout occurred while waiting for the bulkhead passengers to figure out how to get their tray table out of the armrest. These passengers had no difficulty re-stowing their tray tables, though. When it came time to pick up the hundred-plus meal trays, the bulkhead passengers usually had their meal trays on the floor at their feet. Yessiree. I don’t miss the meal services of old. Amazingly, or not….Thirty- four years later, the bulkhead passengers still have difficulty getting their tray tables out of the armrest. See? Unlike my sculpted arms, some things never change with time.

Traveling to different cities by myself these past thirty- four years hasn’t been horrible either. I’ve learned I have no difficulty exploring a new city on my own. I remember my first international trip to Hamburg, Germany. I went out exploring on my own before my crew met up for dinner. I was nervous about getting lost in a city where I didn’t speak the language. So, I made a plan. I walked one block around the hotel. Then I walked two blocks from the hotel. The more confident I got, the more I explored. I’ll admit. I still use this exploration plan in certain layover cities. Yessiree. I may be a senior Skytress. However, I still harbor the fear of getting lost forever on a layover. Thankfully, for me, there is usually at least one Skytress, Skyter, or Pilot that wants to go explore on our layovers. Heck. Some of my most memorable layovers have been with my crew in tow. Airline people are exceptionally fun. We love to jump in boats, on trains, in cars, in taxis, or just walk to the next best adventure. Believe me. I’ve had 34- glorious years of adventures with my airline family.

When I first became a Skytress I received a packet stating how many years I had until retirement. It was 41 years. I laughed when I read it. I had no intention of being a Skytress for more than a year. I was going to fly a year then go off to law school. Seven years in I started studying to become a Secret Service Agent. When I took the voluntary furlough in 2006 to move back home to take care of my Dad while he battled cancer, I had no intention of returning to fly. Before Ron passed away, we talked about flying for just five more years. When Covid hit, I seriously debated taking the early retirement package and starting a new career path. Yessiree. I have had one Skytress leg out the door for 34 years. I’ll admit. I don’t know how many more years I will continue to fly. The urge to retire and start something new has never been stronger. Still, after 34 years, the thought of working on a resume is still pretty undesirable. Yessiree. I may make it to 35 years of being a Skytress simply because I’m still too lazy to work on a resume. Heck. I may make it to 41 years simply for the same reason!

When I was a young Skytress we used to fill out supply lists for every city we flew into. We had separate supply lists for the forward galleys and for the back galleys. Every city had supplies. Even the smaller cities. The smaller cities usually had a small metal storage closet with very limited supplies. So, unless you needed more peanuts or cocktail napkins, you might have to do without. Thus, I learned very quickly how to apologize for not having a passenger’s drink of choice. Back then, I mostly apologized for not having Dr. Pepper products when we were flying out of the smaller Southern cities. Our Southern passengers loved Dr. Pepper products. Well, Southerners anywhere other than Atlanta. Atlanta passengers have always been devoted Coca-Cola drinkers. Midwestern passengers have their beverage of choice, too. It’s funny, but, Skytresses and Skyters can tell where we are flying based on passengers drink orders alone. Beverage consistency. Yessiree. I’ll drink to that.

Many younger Skytresses and Skyters aren’t aware that we used to serve Dr. Pepper products. Heck. They don’t know we used to serve Cherry Coke, Caffeine-Free Diet Coke, or even grapefruit juice. I believe I was the only Skytress that drank the grapefruit juice. So, I understand why they got rid of it. We also got rid of Amaretto, Courvoisier, Kahlua, Black Label Johnnie Walker, Crown Royal, Gin Martinis, Pawberry Punch and hot chocolate to just name a few products. I’ll admit. I don’t miss the Gin Martini’s. More specifically, I don’t miss the the olives that we served with the Gin Martinis. The olive jars on most of the airplanes were grotesque. The jars were usually sticky from the the brine contents leaking from the jar lids. The unidentifiable floaties in the jars would instantaneously cause a gag reflex in even the stoutest person. Happily, there was absolutely no gag reflex when it came to the Kahlua. I didn’t know one Skytress or Skyter that didn’t love the sweet aroma of this liquor. Whether we were pouring it into coffee or making a Black Russian or White Russian cocktail, it didn’t matter. The smell of the Kahlua instantly made everything and everyone happier. Heck. We should seriously think about pumping this smell into all our aircrafts!

One smell that has been missing from our aircrafts for a few years now is the smell of roasted peanuts. Southern passengers loved drinking their Coca-Cola beverages while chomping on their peanuts. True Southerners would call their peanuts, “goobers”. The truest of true Southern passengers would pour their goobers into their glass of Coke and drink it this way. When I first saw a passenger do this I thought it was extremely odd. Over time, I found it endearing. I, also, now find it endearing when Midwest passengers ask for Vernors. When I was a young Skytress I had no idea what Vernors was. I would tell the passengers we didn’t have Vernors. Then I would proudly tell the passengers all the soda products we served. I found it very interesting that they would consistently choose Ginger Ale to drink. Little did I know Vernors IS Ginger Ale! Egads, Eileen! Thankfully for me, the Salt Lake City passengers have always called Ginger Ale…Ginger Ale. Not surprisingly, we serve cases of Ginger Ale, Sprite and water on our flights into and out of Salt Lake City. We used to serve cartons of milk on these flights, too. However, our Salt Lake passengers no longer drink milk on our flights. No siree. Milk left when Covid came. I’ll admit. I don’t miss the milk. Many times catering would cram the milk cartons into the ice drawers. This typically caused the cartons to leak. Thus, the ice would turn a murky color. It reminded me of the water we used to serve ages ago before bottled water became a staple item and request. Yessiree. Long ago when a passenger asked for water, we would pour it directly from the aircraft spigot….which came directly from the aircraft water tanks. I’ll admit. The water was as cloudy as a Seattle day. Skytresses and Skyters had to patiently wait in the galley for the cloudiness to clear before they went back into the cabin to serve the glass of water. Well, we would wait patiently if we liked you. If for some reason a passenger got under our skin, we would happily prance that cup of cloudy water to the passenger’s seat and tell them to, “Enjoy”.

California passengers definitely enjoy our bottled water. We serve copious amounts of water on these flights. We, also, serve generous amounts of hot tea, too. California passengers, along with our other West Coast passengers, request tea so frequently we actually brew pots of tea instead of handing out individual tea bags. Interestingly, these West Coast passengers typically request herbal, camomile or green tea with honey. Interestingly, I serve them English Breakfast tea with a couple packets of sugar. Yessiree. That’s as good as it gets on the domestic side of flying. West Coast passengers are usually our decaf drinkers, too. Our decaf coffee now comes in a Starbucks packet. It’s strong. If you haven’t gotten under our skin, we will tell you it’s strong, too. Otherwise, we say, “Enjoy!”. Starbucks is the Sanka of the past. Incredibly, Sanka decaf coffee packets were much stronger than the Starbucks we serve now. Back then we used to pour the Sanka directly into the cup for the passengers and stir it for them. I’ll admit. We used to barely stir the Sanka so they would never ask for it again. Heck. It was a pain to go back to the galley and search for it. I’ll, also, admit we didn’t stir the hot chocolate very well for the same reason. Since I’m in a confessing mood, I’ll confess to what we used to do when we actually brewed pots of decaf and regular coffee. Well, ….when it was getting near the end of the flight, we would pour out the pots of regular brewed coffee and keep the pot of decaf coffee. Then if a passenger asked for regular coffee or decaf coffee we would pour a cup of the decaf. We affectionately referred to it as the “universal” coffee. Yessiree. It was safe to serve to both decaf drinkers and regular coffee drinkers. No one was the wiser. Well, except for the Skytresses and Skyters. I’ll admit. I’ll drink to that.

Floridians love to drink tomato juice and Bloody Mary Mix. They love Bloody Mary Mix even more when they throw vodka in it. Passengers heading to Florida from Canada call this drink a Caesar. Canadians, also, don’t request tomato juice like true Floridians. They request Clamato juice. Sadly, for Canadians and Floridians we don’t serve Clamato or tomato juice. We never did serve Clamato juice. However, Canadians are so nice, I wish we did. Now we no longer serve tomato juice…..domestically that is. Yessiree. Tomato juice left when Covid came. Happily, I can report the actual cans of juice that left when Covid came…are back. Woo hoo! The boxed juices are gone! It’s a Skytress and Skyter’s dream come true. We, also, now serve cans of wine. So, when the Montreal passengers ask for white wine for breakfast….and they most certainly do…I just have to pop a can of white wine…and pour. It’s a win-win for everyone!

I recently learned East Coast passengers adore Topo Chico Hard Seltzer. Who knew? Definitely not me. I thought they only drank coffee regular….meaning coffee with cream and sugar. Syracuse passengers drink Topo Chico like it water. It’s like the Woodford we serve going to Kentucky. Or the Woodford we serve in first class or Comfort Plus. These passengers drink Woodford like it’s water, too. Of course, the first class and Comfort Plus passengers drink Woodford because it’s free. But, so is the water. Kentuckians drink Woodford….because it’s Woodford. Free or not. It’s not unlike the passengers flying to Las Vegas or Cancun. They drink liquor…because it’s liquor. Free or not.

Skytresses and Skyters can’t drink alcohol while on duty. But, we sure can drink everything else. Typically though, no matter where we are based, our beverage of choice are the large bottles of water. And now that limes are returning to our flights, I’m confident the extra limes will be plopped into these bottles like they were prior to Covid. If you didn’t know, lemons and limes were removed when Covid came. Yessiree. The thought of someone placing a precut lemon or lime in a drink during Covid was just too risky. Everyone has been pleading for the precut lemons and limes to return. Skytresses and Skyters say they want to be able to serve a lemon or lime in the passenger’s drinks upon request. But, who are we fooling? The large bottles of water just taste better with lemon and limes slices shoved in them. Prior to 9-11, We used to cut our own lemon and lime slices with the galley knife. After 9-11, the galley knives were taken off for security reasons. The knife blade wasn’t sharp enough to cut your finger. But, darn it could cut the lemons and limes. Skytresses and Skyters would cut slits in the lemons and limes so we could hang the fruit on the edge of the passenger’s glass. Fancy indeed! My friend, Tara, flew for United. She was flabbergasted when I told her we cut our own lemons and limes. I was flabbergasted to find out their lemons and limes came precut. I asked Tara how they got the lemons and limes to sit on the rim of the glasses if there weren’t slits in them. She told me they just dropped the fruit into the passnger’s glass. I was horrified. After 9-11, our lemons and limes came precut in plastic containers, too. Funny. It didn’t take me too long to get over my hoity toity fruit slits. I threw those lemons and limes in the passenger’s glasses like they did at United….and I was as content as I could be.

Our beverage selections at our airline have changed a wee bit throughout the years. I’m content with this fact, too. After all, change can be good for everyone. Yessiree. It’s true Skytresses and Skyters loathed the cocktail shakers we had to use when we got new cocktail mixers. However, everyone loved the actual mixed cocktails. It was a refreshing change for both the passengers and the Skytresses and Skyters. Still, it’s comforting to know I have spent 72 of my 33 Skytress years waiting for the Diet Coke and Coke Zero to de-foam on our flights from multiple Florida cities to Cincinnati. I’ll admit. It’s excruciating at the time watching the de-foaming process. But, at least I’m prepared for this process long before the passengers step on board the aircraft. Yessiree. I tell you, beverage consistency soothes my Skytress soul! In a profession where so many things are unpredictable, beverage predictability based on where we are flying is a great thing. Yessiree. I’ll definitely drink to that!

Did you know there is an airplane curse? Yessiree. It’s the curse of the light-passenger load. I know my fellow Skytresses and Skyters are shaking their heads in agreement. So what is the curse? Well, the curse of the light load is this….Skytresses and Skyters will work harder on a light-passenger flight than on a full passenger flight. It is a phenomenon that has been around as long as there have been passengers. Passengers will ring their call buttons a thousand times more on a light flight than a full flight. If they don’t touch their call buttons, they happily grab our arms or poke us as we are walking up and down the aisle. On light flights passengers aren’t trapped in their row. Thus, they freely walk to the forward and aft galleys in search of….well,…in search of anything that tickles their fancy. More often though, they are searching for the weakest link. The weakest link is the Skytress or Skyter they feel will be more accommodating to their whimsical needs. We have all been the weakest link on our flights. Interestingly, the weakest link can change multiple times during a flight. Yessiree. Oh, how I curse, the curse of the light-passenger load flight!

The other day when we were heading to Portland, Oregon we had a light passenger load. You guessed it. The conditions were ideal for the light-passenger load curse. Amazingly, the woman passenger sitting in row 12 single-handedly brought the curse to life. Egads!

Seasoned Skytresses and Skyters will shake their heads in agreement that passengers traveling to certain cities have a reputation. Portland passengers have a reputation of being,….how shall I say this gently?…they are quite often very odd passengers. This particular flight, the married couple in row 12 was definitely odd. The couple had booked their seats so the husband could sit next to the window and the wife could sit on the aisle. Neither one wanted the dreaded middle seat. Unfortunately for the woman that was sitting in the dreaded middle seat, the married couple argued over her head from the moment she sat down. Thankfully, since were weren’t full, we were able to re-seat the woman. In hindsight, this could have been the couple’s nefarious plan. The couple relished the extra space. Especially the wife sitting on the aisle. The wife obviously knew she could now easily raise her arm to ring her call button or wave us down in the aisle. She could, also, leave her seat multiple times without disturbing anyone sitting next to her. Astonishingly, the wife happily did all of these things the entire flight. Heck. If her seat had been a revolving door, it would have spun constantly for three hours from her continuous movement. I personally felt the aircraft temperature drop four degrees just from the wind she created frantically waving me down to get a headset. The fact I was standing right next to her seat while she was wildly flailing her arms about didn’t seem to phase her in the least. I’ll admit. It didn’t phase me either. In my head I reminded myself we were heading to Portland. Heck. I wasn’t phased either when she asked for three headsets. One for her husband. Two for her.

I chuckled a few minutes later when Skytress Sharan came back to the galley and informed me of the woman’s latest antics. Skytress Sharan said the woman gleefully grabbed eight snacks from the Comfort Plus basket. Now, the snacks in the basket are boarded to serve five rows of passengers….only if each passenger takes one, possibly two snacks each. The woman in 12C wasn’t concerned about this fact. Not one bit.

During the first beverage service the woman in 12C asked for two cans of Bloody Mary Mix…Two cups of water…A coffee with eight creamers…. Two Woodfords for herself…..And two Woodfords for her husband. Only she called them “Woodburns”. She, also, took one of each of our complimentary snacks…..Sun Chips, almonds, a Biscoff cookie and a lemon coconut energy bar. Incredibly,….or maybe not incredibly,….before we finished serving the rest of the cabin, the woman rang her call button. She wanted two more cups of water. I’ll admit. The woman in 12C was the topic of our conversation when we arrived back in the galley.

When it was time to conduct our coffee service, I told Skytress Sharan and Skytress Pam that I would take the tray of coffees out for the passengers. As I walked up the aisle, I prepared myself for the interaction with row 12. I turned towards the couple and asked them if they would like any coffee. The husband completely ignored me. The wife enthusiastically said yes. I then asked her if she needed any cream or sugar for her coffee. I expected her reply to be eight creamers like she had requested with her coffee earlier. However, my body language must have signaled to the woman I wasn’t the weakest link on the crew. By golly, I had her number! At that moment I couldn’t easily be taken advantage of. The woman hesitated. I tilted my head towards the creamers and looked the woman squarely in her eyes. My hand hovered over the cup of creamers impatiently waiting for her reply. Instead of asking for eight creamers, the woman reluctantly asked me for six creamers. I’ll admit. It was a small personal victory for me.

The woman in 12C quickly recovered from the coffee creamer defeat. Yessiree. She asked Skytress Sharan and Skytress Pam for additional water and two cans of Blood Mary Mix when they walked up the aisle to pick up the trash. Since Skytress Pam and I were busy refilling drink requests from multiple passengers, Skytress Sharan brought the woman her extra beverages. Skytress Sharan returned to the galley moments later. She told us the woman immediately put the cans of Bloody Mary Mix in her bag when she handed it to her. I’d like to say Skytress Pam and I were flabbergasted….but, were weren’t. A short time later the woman came back to use the lavatory. When she exited the lavatory she asked us for more water and snacks. Several passengers followed her lead when they came out of the lavatories. They, too, asked for more drinks and snacks. Several passengers commented that they didn’t normally ask for more items. However, they recognized it wasn’t a full flight. Thus, they knew we weren’t busy and could easily grant their requests. Yessiree. The curse of the light load was in full swing.

Our Skyter In-Charge, Meredith, walked to the back galley to check on us and the main cabin passengers. We told him we all had been spinning on our heels taking care of multiple passenger request the entire flight. We then told him about the woman in row 12. He was well-aware of her. He told us she had walked up to the first-class galley while he was quietly eating his crew meal. He told us he had closed the galley curtains so he could eat his meal out of view from the passengers. The woman in 12C brashly opened the closed curtain and asked him for more “Woodburn”. When Skyter Meredith said, “Woodburn”, we all burst out laughing. “Woodburn” had become our favorite word of the flight. Without skipping a beat, Skyter Meredith mentioned the curse of the light passenger load. We laughed even harder. We all watched the woman in 12C stop Skyter Meredith as he walked back to first class. Moments later he returned to her seat with several small bottles of water. We shook our heads in disbelief. Later in the flight Skyter Meredith returned to the aft galley. Skyter Meredith proudly proclaimed that he was now the weakest link on the crew. He said the woman in 12C knew it….and she was taking full advantage of this fact. As Skyter Meredith was telling us this, we watched the woman leave her seat and head towards the forward galley. We watched her boldly open the galley curtain. Skyter Meredith laughed. He said 12C was looking for the weakest link so she could get some more “Woodburn”. When the woman realized Skyter Meredith wasn’t there, she walked into the forward lavatory. The four of us stood in the middle of the aft galley so we could keep our eyes on the first-class lavatory. Finally, the woman exited the lavatory. She again looked around for Skyter Meredith. Skyter Meredith chuckled. He reiterated that he was truly the weakest link on the crew. Between our laughter, we told him we couldn’t agreed more!

The next two days of flying were uneventful. Well, except for the fact on day two we didn’t keep our originally scheduled aircraft. No siree. We had to switch to an aircraft that was being worked on by maintenance. The mechanics then posted a further maintenance delay on this aircraft. So, we had to switch aircraft once again. Only this time we had to wait. Our new aircraft was still enroute to Seattle. Eventually, we took off for San Francisco an hour and a half later than scheduled. Of course, this all happened on the longest day of our three-day trip. But, after THAT,…the rest of the trip was uneventful. Yessiree. The remainder of our flights were full. The passengers were well aware of this fact, too. It was beautiful. Not one passenger repeatedly rang their call button. Not one passenger grabbed our arms or poked us while we were walking up the aisle to ask us for extra drinks or snacks. Heck. Hardly any passengers leisurely walked to the back of the aircraft to use the lavatories. Nope. They were all trapped in their rows by fellow passengers. The aircraft curse was non-existent! Still, the four of us joked about who was the weakest link on each flight. Randomly, we would ask each other if we had any of that, “Woodburn” for the passenger in row 12. Every time we said “Woodburn” be would smile and laugh. Yessiree. The curse of the light- passenger load may get old…but, “Woodburn” never will.