The Rerouted Skytress

My friend Brian and I were flying a three-day trip together. There were three of us on our crew. We had never flown with our Skyter-in charge before. Our Skyter-in charge was born to fly international trips. Unfortunately, this day, he was flying a domestic trip with Brian and me. Now most Skyters and Skytresses stay pretty close to the written, recommended PA’s. There may be a slight variation in the PA’s based on when you were hired. The newer the crew member…the more they stick to the newly published PA’s. Usually the crew is cognizant of what is being said, but, rarely do we listen too closely to the PA’s. However, every once in awhile, something comes over the PA that makes you stop, listen, and give your fellow crew member a wide-eye look of, “What did they say?” As Brian and I were heading up the aisle, our Skyter-in charge was babbling along. Our domestic flight was barely full. However, our Skyter- in charge was treating it like a full flight to Paris. He told the passengers, “your crew is fluent in German, French and English”. However, the way he said it, sounded more to us like, “Brian and Eileen can only speak English. I, on the other hand, have taken time to educate myself in several languages. So if you do not understand the domestic flight attendants, please call upon me.” His over-kill PA sounded so absurd that Brian and I broke out in laughter. After the service, our Skyter- in charge came back to talk to us. He only humored us more. During our conversation he told us he wasn’t going to marry an American gal. He wanted to marry an international woman. He went on to explain that unlike American women…… international women are more worldly and usually are fluent in several languages. Brian and I laughed about this….of course, after he walked away. He was quite the interesting fellow….in a very odd way. Then as we were all settled in to land,….over the PA we heard a very garbled, unexpected,….”Flight Attendants,….landing gear down. Two minutes to landing.” This is not normal protocol. Brian quickly looked back at me on my jumpseat. He was as confused as I was. “What about the landing gear?”. Our Skyter seemed pretty calm about it. I listened and waited for something to happen. Fortunately, we landed with no incident. When we got to the gate, Brian and I finally pieced together what he had said. The rest of the trip whenever the landing gear came down, the Skyter would say, “Flight Attendants..landing gear down. Two minutes to landing.” It was so darn peculiar to hear…it became quite funny to us. Brian and I would say it to each other numerous times throughout our flights. We cracked up each time we said it. To this day, when Brian and I see each other, we say, “Flight attendants….landing gear down. Two minutes to landing.” It’s now one of our special sayings. And yes, in case you are wondering, ….when the landing gear does come down,….it is about two minutes until you land. Of course, Brian and I had to time it.

Okay. Here’s a quick PA story for you. We were about to land in Kansas City. Our pilots gave the double- ding, indicating our final descent. Our Skytress-in charge picked up the phone to make the final descent PA. Once I heard the double- ding, I started to hand out the first-class coats. As I was handing the gentleman on the aisle his coat, over the PA I heard…..”We will be landing in Kansas Sh*tty momentarily.” I, of course, started to giggle. I looked at the gentleman and asked him, “Did she just say what I think she said?” He laughed, and said “yes. Then he smiled and said, “Some days it REALLY is.”

One of my favorite times on the airplane is when we are about to push back from the gate. The plane is relatively quiet. Passengers have finally settled into their seats. Usually, they are waiting for the safety demo to finish so they can watch their movies, play their games, or take a nap. However, before the safety demonstration starts, the Skytress or Skyter- in charge will welcome the passengers aboard our flight. One particular day our Skyter-in charge did just this…with a twist. Our Skyter-in charge welcomed everyone aboard our flight. Flight 2319. He then went rogue with his PA. He asked the passengers what movie 2319 was in. He got more specific….Code 2319. There was a pause. He raised the stakes. He said if anyone knew the answer he would give them a free cocktail. Everyone was looking around to see if someone knew the answer. I was looking around, too. My movie trivia knowledge is scant to say the least. I wanted to know the answer. Unfortunately, no one knew Code 2319. So after a long pause, and a wee bit of questioning on all our part….the Skyter told us the answer. He happily said 2319 is the contamination code in Monsters, Inc. It is when the white sock gets stuck on George the Monster. We all laughed. I had watched Monsters, Inc. years before. Sadly, I didn’t remember Code 2319. Later I told my Skyter- in charge this. My Skyter said he had a knack for remembering odd details about a lot of things…especially in movies. I may not have been aware of Code 2319 in Monsters, Inc. before, … but, now I can’t wait for it in the movie. I laugh when I see it. I think of flight 2319. Without a doubt, I smile and think of my Skyter-in charge, too.

In the summer we make a PA announcement for the passengers to lower their window shades after we have landed. Having the shades lowered keeps the airplane cool while passengers deplane. It also keeps the plane cool for the next set of passengers that are going to board. One summer day I was flying with one of my favorite Skyters, Skip. Skip was our Skyter- in charge. As we were taxing to the gate, I could tell Skip was about to make the window shade PA. However, I wasn’t prepared for the funny PA he made. Skip said our airline,…unlike our competitors,….always has full flights. He teasingly said we don’t like to rub it in to the other airlines though. So, in order to keep the other airlines from feeling bad, he asked the passengers to lower their window shades. This way, ….as we pass the competitors less-full airplanes,…they won’t feel so sad. I loved this PA. I told Skip I wanted to incorporate this into my warm weather PA. I realized though, I would never be able to pull it off like he did. It was definitely a -one -of-a-kind, Skip PA

My favorite PA blunder is s story my friend David told me when we were flying one day in Cincinnati. He said he was the Skyter-in charge. It was an early morning flight. During the boarding process, the Skytress from the back came up to first class. She said she came up for some clean air. Someone in the back was using the lavatory and it wasn’t too pleasant back there. After a few minutes she decided she better go back to the aft cabin. Several minutes later the boarding process was completed. David said the gate agent then came down and used the phone to make a PA to page for a passenger. The passenger was being up-graded to first class. No sooner had the agent paged for the passenger, the Skytress in the back of the plane called David up front. She wanted to let David know this was the man that had been using the lavatory earlier. David picked up the phone as soon as he heard the call chime. The Skytress in the back of the plane could see David pick up the phone. Before David could say hello, the Skytress said to David, “Poopie Man coming up the aisle. Poopie Man coming up the aisle”. David said she kept saying it. Now any Skytress or Skyter that has ever flown on the MD-88, knows the phone didn’t always recycle after a PA was made. Sometimes the PA button would get stuck after the phone had been hung up. In order to get the PA unstuck, the phone needed to be hung back up again to recycle it. Unfortunately, the Skytress in the back didn’t realize the PA button was stuck when she called David. Everyone on the plane heard “Poopie Man coming up the aisle”, ..repeatedly. David said the passengers in first class that never listen to PA’s lowered their newspapers and looked for the man coming up the aisle. David was standing next to the cockpit. He said the pilots turned around in the cockpit to look down the aisle. The Captain laughed and asked David in disbelief, “What IS she saying?” David prayed she would stop. She didn’t. “Poopie man coming up the aisle.” kept coming over the PA. David said the man was looking him straight in the eye. The only thing in David’s favor was the voice coming over the PA was female. Eventually, the Skytress realized she was coming over the PA. She got extremely embarrassed. She was so embarrassed she wouldn’t step foot in first class the rest of the flight. David said she didn’t step foot in first class the rest of the day. Now I learned a long time ago from our pilots never to say anything about the pilots on the airplane phone to another crew member. The pilots usually have a hot mic in case of an emergency. With an open line they know immediately what is going on in the back of the plane. Needless to say, I learned from this PA incident, … if you want to say something on the phone you definitely don’t want the passengers to hear….make sure the PA button is not stuck.