The Rerouted Skytress

I was texting with my friend the other day about what we were watching on tv. She and her husband were watching reruns of “Gomer Pyle”. I was watching “Father Brown” on PBS. She texted I should watch “After Life” with Ricky Gervais on Netflix. She said it was funny. I watched it. I sobbed for 2 days. In “After Life”, Ricky Gervais’ character morns for his wife who has died. Although his character’s language can be extremely crass at times, his feelings and thoughts are on point when it comes to losing one’s beloved. His character says what I have thought and felt many times since my beloved Ron passed away. Unlike Gervais’ character, I keep these thoughts and feelings inside. Fortunately, most of my friends have never lost their partner to death. Thus, I believe, they can’t truly understand the many nuances of this type of grief. In the show, Gervais’ dog Brandy continually gives him a reason to just get out of bed. Funny how the show got this part of my grief right, too. My dog Finley was my reason I got out of bed. Every day she pulled me out of the unyielding quicksand of my grief.

I don’t like to talk about my grief. I keep my grief behind my smile. But, I knew when I started this blog I would write about my grief. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of Ron’s passing. Friday will be Ron’s birthday. Today’s post will be about Ron’s passing and the days that have followed since for me. Next week I will share some beautiful stories of Ron. Just some. Just as I keep the grief behind my smile….I keep the most precious moments we spent together behind my smile, too.

I got the call at 2:30am that Ron had died. I was in Greensboro at the airport hotel. I know I went into shock as soon as I got the call. I didn’t know what to do. Who should I call? I didn’t call anyone. Instead I shook and I cried. And an hour later I got ready for work. Ron worked a 3-day trip the day after his Mom died. I didn’t know how he did it. I told myself that morning, unlike Ron, I only had to get through a few flights and I could go home. Through my tears and heartache I prayed to Ron to help me.

I didn’t tell my crew Ron had died. My crew members were very nice. But, we didn’t come together as one crew. It was unlike anything I had experienced in months. From the moment we briefed I was counting the minutes until our trip was over. I feared if I told my crew Ron had died, they would just say sorry and turn and go about their day. I feared they wouldn’t care about my broken heart. Ron meant too much to me for this to happen. So, I haphazardly packed my anguish like I packed my bags that morning and I headed off to fly.

I flew three flights that morning. I was surrounded by hundreds of people. But, I never felt more alone. As passengers boarded the plane, some asked me how I was doing. I wanted to scream…”my beloved Ron has just died!” Instead, I smiled with my racing heart and said, “Good morning. Welcome aboard.” As each person boarded our plane, I wondered to myself if any of our passenger’s hearts were breaking behind their smiles, too.

It felt like I held my breath for the rest of the day. Yet, I know I told myself a hundred times to breathe. I spent hours keeping the pain of losing Ron to myself. When I finally got to my gate to go home I didn’t have anymore strength in me to remain silent. I texted my friends and told them Ron had died. I turned off my phone. I knew if I got a text or a call before I got on the plane my grief would start pouring out for everyone to see. I don’t mind if the world sees my smile. But all my life, I’ve fiercely kept the world from seeing any grief behind it. I prayed to Ron to help me. And he did. As I sat in the gatehouse, one of our gate agents that had worked our flights earlier in our trip came over and sat down next to me. He was waiting for his plane to come in. He didn’t have any passengers to help. We talked. What we talked about I cannot remember. I was so grateful he was there though. In my head I kept thanking Ron. I’ve worked with this agent many times. I would always see him in the gatehouse working his flights. I have wanted to thank him since that day for helping me through those dark moments. Incredibly, I haven’t seen him since that awful day. I believe now, he was an angel Heavenly sent.

I sat across from the Skytress working my flight home. One of my fellow commuting pilots sat behind me. As much as I felt alone with my crew earlier in the day, I felt comfort knowing these two were close by. I knew if I started to cry they would comfort me. I prayed to Ron to get me to my car before I did start to cry. He did. I cried all the way home. Grief consumed my smile

Ron and I tried to keep our relationship quiet from our family and most of our friends. It was a conscious decision on our part. For my part, I didn’t want to jinx things. It always seemed when I got too happy about something, God would set me straight. Ron meant too much to me. I didn’t want God to know happy I was. But, God knew.

I am so blessed Ron’s family has welcomed me into their lives. Their love and friendship has meant more to me than they will ever know. However, because Ron and I chose to keep our relationship quiet, they will never know the love and bond we shared together. Now I wish more people would have known the depth of our relationship. Maybe it would make the grieving easier. Maybe not. Maybe they would understand why my grief follows me like an unforgiving shadow. Fortunately, some people understand my grief all too well. Especially the grief of being just the girlfriend. I flew with another Skytress weeks after Ron died. A few weeks prior, her boyfriend had passed away unexpectedly, too. I told her about my first night at home without Ron. I couldn’t sleep most of the night. I know I was exhausted. However, I know I experienced Ron in the room with me. He was holding me. I felt his love. The rest of our time that night I will forever keep locked in my heart. I will never speak of it. It was our special moment. I will cherish it forever. My fellow Skytress understood. She had her experience, too. I told her about my drive to work that morning. I was on the highway and for a brief moment I thought maybe this had all been a bad joke and that Ron was still alive. My heart filled with hope. Then as quickly as I had this thought, I knew it could never be. Ron was gone. My fellow Skytress shook her head. She knew exactly what I had experienced. She had experienced it, too.

I only have Ron’s texts and voicemails now. I’ve read them and listened to them so many times I can tell you from heart what they say. I’ve filled several journals of letters I’ve written to Ron to try to make some sense of my world now. I mostly write in them on my layovers when the loneliness of life and flying gets to be too much for me. I write about my love for him. I write about how happy he made my world. I thank him for loving me. I thank him for watching over me on Earth and in Heaven. I write about my hurt. I write about my anger. I write about my guilt. I write about my disappointment. I write about my sadness and my tired soul and my shattered heart. I question the fairness of life. I question God. I question God,…a lot.

To understand the grief behind my smile I will share with you some thoughts that bump around my head and the feelings I feel in my heart. If you haven’t lost your soulmate to death, you may not understand these thoughts and feelings now. You won’t understand how it is to be the only one in a group of couples. I am happy for them, but, there is a constant pain that lingers in my heart because it is just me now. When you are no longer a couple, you see couples everywhere. On the plane I see couples traveling all the time. I think “Why God couldn’t that have been Ron and me? We had our places we planned to travel together to as a couple.” I see people hugging their loved one and I feel the desperation of not being able to hold Ron. It’s an indescribable pain and longing. In the evening and in the morning when my crew is talking to their partners…. my phone is turned off. I know there is no longer a call for me to receive. Instead I pray to Ron. I’m angry I have to pray and they get to actually talk to their beloved. There is guilt in my heart when I see someone on the news who has lost their loved one. I know what they are feeling. But, I also catch myself thinking….”at least you got to marry the one your heart spoke to”. I want people to understand my hurt when they tell me God had another plan. Why was my plan not good enough for God? I think I had a beautiful plan. To grow old with the one I loved. Why do others get to keep making memories with their love and I only get to replay memories in my mind? I get angry when people say “be glad you are not married”. This is all I wanted. Why did God let them have their dream and happy ending and not me? Why does God say yes to them and no to me? God, what is wrong with me?

People say time heals all wounds. I disagree. Time turns grief into numbness. At least it has for me. I still laugh. I still smile. Especially at the most difficult times. I don’t want others to feel uncomfortable around me. Ron loved my smile. He gave me so much to smile about. I will tell you those stories next week. But, when Ron died part of my smile went with him. To the naked eye my smile looks the same as when he was alive. I pride myself on this fact. Once grief completely obliterated it. However, for those who choose to look closely enough, you will always see the veil of grief behind my smile.